Requiem of Gemini

.. Okay, so my b-day wasn't too bad this year around... Still.... sissors.... Why the hell SISSORS?! I swear, she has a weird ass obsession of buying me sissors for me every goss damn b-day/Christmas x_x(either that, pointless 'school supplies', very bizarre nick-nats I'll never use other than dust collectors, or clothes that don't fit me or just stuff very insulting to my fandom(s))

Side note though.. Pokemon XD is quite fun (I think my inner child is always going to be a fan of those games).

Seriously though.. How am I hard to buy for? -_- There's plently of things I want, just that places I go to never has them, or something else. But throw me into some anime/gaming store(IRL or online) and I'm freakin' set XD. Well.. probably better off it being online.

..... and telling people what I exactly want is just.. blah. It's supposed to be the thought that counts, not "hey, get me this cuz I like it", or my favoirte, "I'm getting you something very expensive that you really shouldn't have and you better like it or else I'm calling you a spoiled brat and you should be thankful you got anything, even though the thing isn't anything you wanted ever to begin with" ._....



.... And off topic to all of this: Make the loud people leave that invaded the house and take up personal space in certain rooms ._.

Lately I been somewhat things of plans to... well.. make my life better.

Issue Number One: The con that I wish to attend.. It's probably one of the biggest 'risks' I ever tried to pull off. But I dead serious about it. I had just a few ideas of how to convince people to let me go, and I gonna try whatever it takes even if it kills myself.

Issue Number Two: Money. Currently I don't 'really' have any money coming in... save for... erm.. leftover lunch money (hey, I don't eat much ^^;). Which isn't gonna pull me throughout all my life. I been hoping to get a job, actually for the last few months actually. And it's always because of 'little' things: No car/way of transferring, too young, not enough "people" skills, school gets in the way, not hiring, etc.

Actually recently I was told that I should work at this fabric store that sits only a few blocks from us, about 15-30min walk from where I live. I actually really like this idea.. Better than working at some drug store or an awful fast food place. So I'm gonna look more into that.

Issue Number Three: Driving. Currently I still have my driving phobia(though I must admit it's getting better now). Which many seem to fail at comprehending what that means.. it doesn't mean I HATE driving, or choosing NOT TO drive for that I'm possibly LAZY or SPOILED as which, many seem to think.. and call me... It's because I'm AFRAID to. There? Happy now? Does that make EVERYONE feel better?

Dammit, why does everyone keep thinking it's my fault and that I just simply hate it out of laziness? Do people that fear heights simply choose to do so? Do....


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..

dammit.. I'm just going to start crying so I'm just going to shut up for now.. >< ...

I apologize for my last remark.. But as scary as it may sound I'm getting closer and closer to that.. I don't really WANT to do it... And hopefully it won't happen. Nothing else, I'm just bluffing..


Not to sound like some big sap.. but I'm afraid of many things that have been happening lately. In fact, for over the last few years. Every year I keep hearing that we are slowly getting more poorer, probably almost lost it all even a few times. But, what happens after that? Where are we to go? And yet, what have I done that is anything even helpful? Absolutely nothing. Just sat around and took advantage of it all without realizing the truth about it. I'm just sick of myself now for not doing anything sooner. I now feel horrible having to ask anything from someone, big or small. Because I already got my fair share of living the good life of having others give me what I want. So now I want to work for my stuff.

However, at the same time. How can I work at something when nobody is willing to support me? Emotionally anyway, just so at least I can get started and I'll take care of the rest. Take my mom for example. I can't even tell her a decent thing without having her jump down my throat. Oh yes, that's really gonna make me feel good and confident in myself. But that's how I kinda always been like with her. In fact, my shyness, isolation, and "anti-socialness" probably all relates to her in some way. Since whenever I present something to her she just shatters it. I'm afraid of her too. Because I don't know what she'll do to me if I was to explain what I actually feel on some levels, or some of my dreams. Probably throw it out the window like everything else. Then I would just live an empty life with no motivation at all. Not like she already took away most of my pride.

It's that whole mountain thing again. I start climbing, then somebody tells me I'm on the wrong mountain and to take a different one. And then I decide to take that mountain later since I found a shortcut on a different one that would get me to the same height. Yet no one can see that shortcut but me. And now I got to fight for it... Which ain't the easiest thing to do when the whole world thinks that I won't make it. And yet ironically everyone keeps telling I can anything I set my mind to.. Well.... Then why is everyone criticizing me for being so determined on this O.o?

I'm getting very sick of my school again. I can only dream of the day I can finally live that nuthouse (not pun intended if I was going to the other school, heh). Once again it seems like everyone and their dead grandmother is against me -_-. I should get more say in what I want to do. Especially when I was the first one to request it. Like the whole damn therapy thing. I went there out of curiousity. Now I'm practically being forced. Isn't there some type of law saying I can't go see a doctor if I don't consent it? And now people aren't letting me go to home school due to "lack of social skills". Bull crap I say. Not my fault everyone IRL treats me like shit in some way.

I'm just sick of it all. Sick of undependant people. Sick of being accused of lying. Sick of not being trusted. Sick of having to wait till break(if I was to even do home school). Sick of being the youngest. Sick of my mom. Sick of my other relatives. Sick of being always assumed to have low social skills. Sick of being critized in every single way. Sick of everyone at school. Sick of not finding somebody I can even trust. Sick of disappointment. Sick of being blamed. Sick of therapy. Sick of everything.



Oh yeah.. In other news I finally gots my stuff. The FMA scroll and the awesome chibi-fied Saiyuki poster XP. There goes all my spending money.. sigh.

Had another outbrust today.. was quite a biggy too... Then again, there was lots of stuff pissing me off at school anyways, so it all added up. But I'm feeling better and got somewhat over it..

Feeling kinda risky today.. gonna try some stuff that just bonked me on the head. Partially ideas from last night and some more today.. I have no idea how it's all gonna turn out though. So I'll explain what I mean later, it all goes well or not.

Ah, ep 3 will be arriving shortly >_>. I'm actually a little too much into this whole dubbing thing, it's scaring me.. But curiousity can do weird things to ya.. and having sisters 5 years older than you wanting you to tape it plays a part in it too ^_^*

"I'm leaving to a party soon, but I had a big entry I wanted to write, so I'll edit this later, since I'm not sure when I'll be back and this might be my only time for it..."


EDIT: I is back, hurrah ^_^

Once again I envy those who are older. And I guess if you want to put it in blunt words, lonely that I can't find somebody my age that I can even relate to(IRL anyway). Instead I have to be with my brother's/sister's groups since they have more common sense since they actually act their age. Which makes me act like a leech, can't make my own "friendship", so I have to somewhat steal others.

I just hate it how in those situations I'm just the newbie that doesn't know anything. That I have to PROVE I know what I'm doing. And then I either turn it to an obession, or just look plain stupid and attention deprived. Like the damn fantasy club for example. I probably have more knowledge on anime and gaming than half of those people there. Well, maybe not stuff like first-shooters and D&D, but a good amount I know, or at least heard and know some about. I really hate big crowds though. I was hoping I could find some people I could relate so, atleast some.. However instead it's more like trying to my life story and interests to everyone that you won't see probably again.. Heck, my whole freakin' school year has been like that so far, it's pissing me off.

I keep wishing for that damn club to get smaller. Afterschool days are awesome though, I hope that there will be more, otherwise I can kiss bringing anime to school goodbye. I don't want a bunch of rabid monkeys to wreck my cds. I put lots of time into finding my anime, and I'll have to personally destory anyone that messes them up. So, yeah.. Gonna see if I can make afterschool marathon days. That way people who REALLY want to watch them can.. My first pick probably is gonna be FMA, my democray of having people decide what to do first is getting nowhere, so time to bring in monarchy, huzrah.

Now then.. in not so rantish moods, I got more eventful items on Gaia than I imagined to have in a lifetime o.o. Damn zombie/human thing was becoming a pain in the ass though, but I got all that I want in the last second possible, except a labcoat... Oh well..

Stupid mom making me feel gulity again.. and she wonders why I hate her.. Or why I question if she even likes me. Well, if she keeps making me feel like the badguy that should be blamed for everthing then of course.

I've developed a bad habit to lie to her, about how I feel. Which is the source of most problems I have now. Part of the reason was because it seemed like everything that I said, to her sounded stupid. And now after trying to describe myself to her(from earlier months ago too), that situtation seems to pop up. That everything I want in life, my goals, my wishes, all pointless and just pipedreams, impossible to achieve no matter what. That I won't be something special and just be a nobody. I thought parents are suppose to suport their child no matter what? Instead of scattering their hopes. Dammit, at time like this I wish I was an orphan.. I'd rather have no family than one that hates what I really feel. I'm now getting teary again too, stupid emotions..

I just cause trouble to everyone, let's face it. I shouldn't exist, everything would be better then -_-

Damn those moods when you want to do something be nothing interest you -_-.

Once again I'm getting the feeling of ignorance. Seriously, what is it that I've done that makes people assume to "hate me?". Is it the way I act? Is because I look differently? What? .... And yet people ask me why I'm jealous.. Maybe I don't deserve to live if people are gonna always treat me like this -_-. It almost saddens me to think I'm borderline to possible thoughts of suicide.... Yes, I'm that serious. I don't really care what people think about it anymore. If people don't like me, fine, maybe I should have never existed then