The odds are stacking up..

[grifstar]

I just can't take this anymore. I try to take a few steps forward but everyone just piles up on me and drags me back to where I started. Everything I do is just pointless.. Pointless, pointless, pointless.. But now I'm at the point where I can't really go back. I'm tred of taking orders from other people. And having to rely on some stupid laws.

Why do I bother living when appearently my wishes aren't wanted? Even when they are right out there and very hard to miss... When appearently I cannot be trusted with them.

Yanno, maybe I should just kill myself.. If I'm just a big fat failure and waste money... If that's how people see me then so be it. Everyone would be so much happier then. And lucky me I would be dead to not feel any of that pain at all. Just empty blackness. Better than dispair..

Comments

[galza.livejournal.com]

Don't make me bitch slap you girl.. what I've been seeing in you recently has been partly pissing me off sometimes.. because you sound like nothing more than a self absorbed whiner. I will tell you this much.. if you kill yourself I will NEVER forgive you for it. If you want symapthy when your dead and gone, I'll just keep flipping you off and call you a coward.. I have NO respect for people who take their own lives.. no respect at all. So stand up straight, and fight the good fight.. life is a battle young one. Death is the reward for living.. thats the meaning of life.. living. Everything I've read, everything I've found out in all my research, in all of my studies.. the secret of life is living.. and taking what you've got coming.

Why does everyone hate you? Think about that for a second.. you hide in your room all the time.. your a sour puss everywhere you go.. you're lazy, you've got terrible work ethic.. and your freakin greedy! Thats why you get jealous, me thinks.. It's because you are freaking spoiled brat! When is it ever going to be enough for you? ..grass is always greener on the otherside of the fence, am I right? Water your own grass, and it will be just as green..

Sorry kid, thats the harsh reality. Thats what I see, and I don't hold back my punches.. Sagittarus side speaking.. I whip people into shape.. something I learned from Tony.. you have no idea what it's like out here, so you got NO room to even be bitchin.

Fuck everyone else, alright.. screw them, what do they know.. but have pride in yourself god damnit.. and don't let any nay sayer tell you otherwise. But if you do nothing but defeat yourself every step of the way.. then thats that. No one can stop that but you.

Dad was the same way... don't continue that legacy. Guy had 13 years to somehow impacted our lives and the doofus couldn't even get that right.. thats pitiful.. hate him so. There's no excuse for that. Couldn't speak up to save his life.. but always pointed the finger at everyone else for his shortcommings.. when it was no one's fault but his own.

[grifstar.livejournal.com]

heh... I needed that..... I think....

horrible days can do bad things to you I suppose. Then again, I been having more like horrible weeks and what feels like months.. More mom fights. It just seems like everything I do I turn out being the "bad guy" and then get put down in the horriblest ways. To the point where I just feel lower than dirt. That I'm just the burden to everything. Which makes me feel like nonexisting.. I'm vertiually afraid of her actually. Afraid to say anything. Because everything will be used against me and then it will just shatter any hopes I have. Which is why I like to hide myself. Can't fuel that fire that way.

I do admit that I have been acting kinda greedy.. Maybe more in the past than now.. Now I just want to repay for all I have done. But I just can't. Because the method I'm trying to go for appearently is making the situation worse. And sitting around ain't helping either.