damn you grief waves

[grifstar]

Well, my break is having a rather rocky start. Many to be said for that though, but I don't really wanna retell it.. mostly since it's stuff I already stated before.

Grah, I been noticing that I been getting more and more violent now. Which I been noticing that ever year since about thr 7th grade. But now it's increasing more rapidly. Like pretty much all my other emotions have been. I guess all my grief is taking effect now.

I swear though, my damn mom just wants to eat me alive, despite how crappy I already feel about what I just did. Yet she constantly fail to see my picture, even when I explain it. Or at least TRY to see it in my view. Since it seems like we both see situations very differently. Which is the biggest problem of all. Especially when everything then leaves an opposite effect, making things a whole lot worse on me.

She still didn't answer my question though, "How would she feel if I never existed?". A simple question actually. Yet I already know the answer.. Since everyone seems to hate me even more. And when I try harder it just keeps colpasing and leaves a bigger hole than before.

To really tell the truth, in the last few months, in fact probably years, the only real thing I ever wanted is to just feel wanted. In almost any way, doesn't really matter how. Lately I just feel like a hassel for everyone. "In the way of everything" stuff. I don't really think anyone even cares for me anymore. Since I just screw something up for everyone... like today -_-. All the other "gifts" I been getting just feel like they just have no meaning to them. Which was how I was feeling around my birthday too..

Comments

[rapidbuttons.livejournal.com]

I'm having a similar experience, and seemed to have grown farther away from my family. There are SO many times I feel useless, like I shouldn't exist. And in the last few months, my days seem to go from really good, to incredibly bad, with the changes coming in somewhere in the middle of the days. My fuse has been short and I don't feel like holidays/birthdays are worth celebrating.

I don't have a real answer to feeling useless, but...what keeps me going is partially faith that I have something I need to do on this earth, I just don't know about it, and that there's people that would listen if I ever have problems.

For family, you can't choose them, but if you're ever in trouble, your family will always be there...like it or not. *laughs*

[grifstar.livejournal.com]

Yey for not being the only person like that then.. heh

Normally I try not to dwell on it too much, but lately I just can't seem to control myself. Yet when I do completely ignore the subject, I'm actually my happier/bouncy myself. Just that when I DO get on that subject well... >_>.

But that's what journals are for, right? Right.