Death sounds like a good thing right now
Oct. 9th, 2004 04:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
grifstarUgh.... depression... rising...
I sometimes ask myself, do I even matter? Do people actually like me? Sadly, I find myself only able to truly trust 2 people now, neither are family related.
It sickens me though, that I try to be as happy and polite as I possibly can. And what do I get in return? Nothing, zilch, nadda. Instead I'm takened advantage over or given the same respect as floor scum. And for what reason? Because I was actually generous to others now I have every right to have to become the buttom of the food chain for everyone? Even my own mom seems to treat me like that, I think ever since my dad left (which was about 10 years mind you) was when I remember it starting. Stuff like "Stay on track at school", "Keep your room clean", usual parent coments. Yet I can't recall a time when I actually felt needed, "loved" to be more exact. Sure, I was given things, takened to places, and given the simple "I love you" message time to time. But in the end nothing felt like I was truly wanted, rather used as simple things to keep me happy and/or entertained. That really I am just a thing in the way that everyone doesn't want to deal with. Hence why my mom now bothers me 24/7 on why I don't have a permit yet and forces me to stay on top of schoolwork. Just so that she has a sooner time to kick me out of the door and never have to see me again.
All I really want now is somebody to actually understand me. Somebody that will actually treat me like an actual person and not as some type of tool that has no feelings whatsoever. Being alone isn't my problem. It's the people that want to be my friend or try to cheer me up. And for same reasons, all they care really is that "Oh look, that person is so nice and smart, let's try to befriend them so that we can abuse that person in ten different ways".... And people wonder why I don't trust anyone...
I wonder if it'll ever feel again what it is like to be happy. I now just feel like everything I do it just stupid in some way. Maybe I really should just kill myself. Would serve all those people that appearently didn't want me right, now that they don't have somebody to push around. My mom would be happier because I won't be around. There won't be anyone better than me in every single way. And best of all, I won't have to feel emotions anymore.
I sometimes ask myself, do I even matter? Do people actually like me? Sadly, I find myself only able to truly trust 2 people now, neither are family related.
It sickens me though, that I try to be as happy and polite as I possibly can. And what do I get in return? Nothing, zilch, nadda. Instead I'm takened advantage over or given the same respect as floor scum. And for what reason? Because I was actually generous to others now I have every right to have to become the buttom of the food chain for everyone? Even my own mom seems to treat me like that, I think ever since my dad left (which was about 10 years mind you) was when I remember it starting. Stuff like "Stay on track at school", "Keep your room clean", usual parent coments. Yet I can't recall a time when I actually felt needed, "loved" to be more exact. Sure, I was given things, takened to places, and given the simple "I love you" message time to time. But in the end nothing felt like I was truly wanted, rather used as simple things to keep me happy and/or entertained. That really I am just a thing in the way that everyone doesn't want to deal with. Hence why my mom now bothers me 24/7 on why I don't have a permit yet and forces me to stay on top of schoolwork. Just so that she has a sooner time to kick me out of the door and never have to see me again.
All I really want now is somebody to actually understand me. Somebody that will actually treat me like an actual person and not as some type of tool that has no feelings whatsoever. Being alone isn't my problem. It's the people that want to be my friend or try to cheer me up. And for same reasons, all they care really is that "Oh look, that person is so nice and smart, let's try to befriend them so that we can abuse that person in ten different ways".... And people wonder why I don't trust anyone...
I wonder if it'll ever feel again what it is like to be happy. I now just feel like everything I do it just stupid in some way. Maybe I really should just kill myself. Would serve all those people that appearently didn't want me right, now that they don't have somebody to push around. My mom would be happier because I won't be around. There won't be anyone better than me in every single way. And best of all, I won't have to feel emotions anymore.
no subject
Date: 2004-10-09 09:05 pm (UTC)I'm assuming I am one of those two... Still, to have a confident in existence is a good thing. One, two, three, anything, as long as it's above zero. That aside, it doesn't matter if other people like you, so as long as you like yourself. And, well, it's logically impossible to truly hate yourself. Everyone natrually works for their own benefit. The overall benefit is to do as one wishes to, although that can include some comprimises.
*
"It sickens me though, that I try to be as happy and polite as I possibly can. And what do I get in return? Nothing, zilch, nadda. Instead I'm takened advantage over or given the same respect as floor scum. And for what reason? Because I was actually generous to others now I have every right to have to become the buttom of the food chain for everyone?"
So, rather than meeting death, why don't you simply stop being polite and helpful to people like that? Take charge of your life, rather than taking it away.
*
"Even my own mom seems to treat me like that, I think ever since my dad left (which was about 10 years mind you) was when I remember it starting. Stuff like "Stay on track at school", "Keep your room clean", usual parent coments. Yet I can't recall a time when I actually felt needed, "loved" to be more exact. Sure, I was given things, takened to places, and given the simple "I love you" message time to time. But in the end nothing felt like I was truly wanted, rather used as simple things to keep me happy and/or entertained."
While I can't know for certain, I think you've got it a bit wrong. I think that your mom does love you, but that she takes it for granted. Remind her by talking with her - not by demanding attention through suicide.
*
"That really I am just a thing in the way that everyone doesn't want to deal with. Hence why my mom now bothers me 24/7 on why I don't have a permit yet and forces me to stay on top of schoolwork. Just so that she has a sooner time to kick me out of the door and never have to see me again."
Or perhaps so that you can succeed. Again, I can't know for certain, but to kick you out probably isn't her motivation.
*
"All I really want now is somebody to actually understand me. Somebody that will actually treat me like an actual person and not as some type of tool that has no feelings whatsoever. Being alone isn't my problem. It's the people that want to be my friend or try to cheer me up. And for same reasons, all they care really is that "Oh look, that person is so nice and smart, let's try to befriend them so that we can abuse that person in ten different ways".... And people wonder why I don't trust anyone..."
Don't you have two people who understand you as such? I'm uncertain of if you're wishing for someone non-online to be a true friend, or if you simply want more people to understand you. For now, absorb as much trust as you can from those that already care about you.
*
"I wonder if it'll ever feel again what it is like to be happy. I now just feel like everything I do it just stupid in some way."
How is that? If you feel that you're doing something stupid, don't sit there and regret it, find a way to make sure that it wont occur again.
*
"Maybe I really should just kill myself. Would serve all those people that appearently didn't want me right, now that they don't have somebody to push around. My mom would be happier because I won't be around. There won't be anyone better than me in every single way. And best of all, I won't have to feel emotions anymore."
Even if they actually do mean you malice, that would mean letting them win. Now, I know that one no longer cares once they are dead, however that is no reason to seek death. The only reason anyone should kill themselves is if they absolutely have nothing to lose and have no chance of gaining it back - because you gain nothing through death. You have plenty to lose, even if you don't realize it right away.
-- Liesk