grifstar: (Blood)
Ever hate it when, you get an awesome, 'great' idea to get yourself out of the hole your in, but then somebody has to just go and ruin the moment and determination completely.....? ~_______~

G - Grif(Me)
M - mom

G - *sitting the car at the bank, overhearing some annoying guy a cellphone. Who something brought something about and then I think of something to do when I get home*
M - *Comes back and starts the car up*
G - *about 3-5 minutes later* I was thinking.. maybe I should go online and job search. I'm sure I can probably find something I can do for somebody just working on the computer. And that way nobody has to worry about driving me to and from places.
M - *somehow ignores everyone I just said* Yanno we are going to need to have a discussion later about what you should be doing in the next 3 months. Or else I'm seriously going to take that computer away from you.
*insert rant about how I don't have a permit, and not wanting to go to DMV to get a new one, and STILL not realising I have a driving phobia appearently. Then going on and on about how everyone has had to do everything for me because I don't do any of it. And so forth*

..... And that was only the very tip of the iceberg... I just HAD a solution right THERE. Why the fuck did she just ignore it?! And I still don't see how getting out of high school early really effects the amount of driving me. In fact, STAYING in high school probably makes it more of a hassel than driving me outside of it if not just the same amount.

I even had plans of doing a ton of things for school and other things beyond that today. But now.. I'm so god damn pissed and depressed, it's a damn miracle I'm on the computer right now. I think I migh do round two once I'm done though.. I'm tired of sobbing now about all of this >.>

.. I'm also really wanting to therapy again. Not so much for me, but just so that my mom can flippin' now about just how much damage she does to me... I bet she's even knows about any of it... -_-

EDIT: Well, that went smoother than I thought it would be.. and all is alot better so life is good ^^;;


Oct. 1st, 2005 05:42 pm
grifstar: (Envy)
.. Okay, so my b-day wasn't too bad this year around... Still.... sissors.... Why the hell SISSORS?! I swear, she has a weird ass obsession of buying me sissors for me every goss damn b-day/Christmas x_x(either that, pointless 'school supplies', very bizarre nick-nats I'll never use other than dust collectors, or clothes that don't fit me or just stuff very insulting to my fandom(s))

Side note though.. Pokemon XD is quite fun (I think my inner child is always going to be a fan of those games).

Seriously though.. How am I hard to buy for? -_- There's plently of things I want, just that places I go to never has them, or something else. But throw me into some anime/gaming store(IRL or online) and I'm freakin' set XD. Well.. probably better off it being online.

..... and telling people what I exactly want is just.. blah. It's supposed to be the thought that counts, not "hey, get me this cuz I like it", or my favoirte, "I'm getting you something very expensive that you really shouldn't have and you better like it or else I'm calling you a spoiled brat and you should be thankful you got anything, even though the thing isn't anything you wanted ever to begin with" ._....

.... And off topic to all of this: Make the loud people leave that invaded the house and take up personal space in certain rooms ._.


Aug. 27th, 2005 12:20 am
grifstar: (Blood)
To be quite honest with everyone.. I actually been feeling really down and stressed the last few days. I can name many reasons why, but most being just personal crap that can't really be helped ><. Also I think my depression has been passing down to my muses... but... that's a different story. But now I wouldn't doubt it's connected when I think about it.

I also have urges to let out a certain rant(actually, probably two..). But I get the feeling that person is watching, so I probably shouldn't say it here. Plus, I just dunno where to begin. Though most of it is just 'small' annoyances, it's still just big enough where they should know what's okay to do, and what's not.

... and I'm also rather glad I haven't been the only one seeing it... At least I have people I can talk to about it..

And before I go on, it's not so much that I 'hate' them now for it.. But.. I think if it doesn't change or get better over time.. There could be a chance that I will.

But on the whole, most of it is just recent personal things. Honestly, I dunno who to blame anymore. And to be quite honest even more with it, I'm damn right getting very scared about all of this. I haven't absolutely NO idea where I'm going to go, why, come down to this next winter. At this point I don't if I even CAN to college after so many botches on other people's end. And absolutely none of it is really my fault. Bescause everyone else in my family(well, just about) is off to complete their own life's dream, or screwing it up along the way, whichever way you want to look at it, I can't even really start mine because it's too much of a stretch, financially.



.... I better just stop it here for now... I'm getting really sobby over the fact now...
grifstar: (blood)
Lately I been somewhat things of plans to... well.. make my life better.

Issue Number One: The con that I wish to attend.. It's probably one of the biggest 'risks' I ever tried to pull off. But I dead serious about it. I had just a few ideas of how to convince people to let me go, and I gonna try whatever it takes even if it kills myself.

Issue Number Two: Money. Currently I don't 'really' have any money coming in... save for... erm.. leftover lunch money (hey, I don't eat much ^^;). Which isn't gonna pull me throughout all my life. I been hoping to get a job, actually for the last few months actually. And it's always because of 'little' things: No car/way of transferring, too young, not enough "people" skills, school gets in the way, not hiring, etc.

Actually recently I was told that I should work at this fabric store that sits only a few blocks from us, about 15-30min walk from where I live. I actually really like this idea.. Better than working at some drug store or an awful fast food place. So I'm gonna look more into that.

Issue Number Three: Driving. Currently I still have my driving phobia(though I must admit it's getting better now). Which many seem to fail at comprehending what that means.. it doesn't mean I HATE driving, or choosing NOT TO drive for that I'm possibly LAZY or SPOILED as which, many seem to think.. and call me... It's because I'm AFRAID to. There? Happy now? Does that make EVERYONE feel better?

Dammit, why does everyone keep thinking it's my fault and that I just simply hate it out of laziness? Do people that fear heights simply choose to do so? Do....



dammit.. I'm just going to start crying so I'm just going to shut up for now.. >< ...
grifstar: (Heimdall)
Well, my break is having a rather rocky start. Many to be said for that though, but I don't really wanna retell it.. mostly since it's stuff I already stated before.

Grah, I been noticing that I been getting more and more violent now. Which I been noticing that ever year since about thr 7th grade. But now it's increasing more rapidly. Like pretty much all my other emotions have been. I guess all my grief is taking effect now.

I swear though, my damn mom just wants to eat me alive, despite how crappy I already feel about what I just did. Yet she constantly fail to see my picture, even when I explain it. Or at least TRY to see it in my view. Since it seems like we both see situations very differently. Which is the biggest problem of all. Especially when everything then leaves an opposite effect, making things a whole lot worse on me.

She still didn't answer my question though, "How would she feel if I never existed?". A simple question actually. Yet I already know the answer.. Since everyone seems to hate me even more. And when I try harder it just keeps colpasing and leaves a bigger hole than before.

To really tell the truth, in the last few months, in fact probably years, the only real thing I ever wanted is to just feel wanted. In almost any way, doesn't really matter how. Lately I just feel like a hassel for everyone. "In the way of everything" stuff. I don't really think anyone even cares for me anymore. Since I just screw something up for everyone... like today -_-. All the other "gifts" I been getting just feel like they just have no meaning to them. Which was how I was feeling around my birthday too..
grifstar: (Heimdall)
I apologize for my last remark.. But as scary as it may sound I'm getting closer and closer to that.. I don't really WANT to do it... And hopefully it won't happen. Nothing else, I'm just bluffing..

Not to sound like some big sap.. but I'm afraid of many things that have been happening lately. In fact, for over the last few years. Every year I keep hearing that we are slowly getting more poorer, probably almost lost it all even a few times. But, what happens after that? Where are we to go? And yet, what have I done that is anything even helpful? Absolutely nothing. Just sat around and took advantage of it all without realizing the truth about it. I'm just sick of myself now for not doing anything sooner. I now feel horrible having to ask anything from someone, big or small. Because I already got my fair share of living the good life of having others give me what I want. So now I want to work for my stuff.

However, at the same time. How can I work at something when nobody is willing to support me? Emotionally anyway, just so at least I can get started and I'll take care of the rest. Take my mom for example. I can't even tell her a decent thing without having her jump down my throat. Oh yes, that's really gonna make me feel good and confident in myself. But that's how I kinda always been like with her. In fact, my shyness, isolation, and "anti-socialness" probably all relates to her in some way. Since whenever I present something to her she just shatters it. I'm afraid of her too. Because I don't know what she'll do to me if I was to explain what I actually feel on some levels, or some of my dreams. Probably throw it out the window like everything else. Then I would just live an empty life with no motivation at all. Not like she already took away most of my pride.

It's that whole mountain thing again. I start climbing, then somebody tells me I'm on the wrong mountain and to take a different one. And then I decide to take that mountain later since I found a shortcut on a different one that would get me to the same height. Yet no one can see that shortcut but me. And now I got to fight for it... Which ain't the easiest thing to do when the whole world thinks that I won't make it. And yet ironically everyone keeps telling I can anything I set my mind to.. Well.... Then why is everyone criticizing me for being so determined on this O.o?
grifstar: (Ed)
I just can't take this anymore. I try to take a few steps forward but everyone just piles up on me and drags me back to where I started. Everything I do is just pointless.. Pointless, pointless, pointless.. But now I'm at the point where I can't really go back. I'm tred of taking orders from other people. And having to rely on some stupid laws.

Why do I bother living when appearently my wishes aren't wanted? Even when they are right out there and very hard to miss... When appearently I cannot be trusted with them.

Yanno, maybe I should just kill myself.. If I'm just a big fat failure and waste money... If that's how people see me then so be it. Everyone would be so much happier then. And lucky me I would be dead to not feel any of that pain at all. Just empty blackness. Better than dispair..
grifstar: (Heimdall)
I'm getting very sick of my school again. I can only dream of the day I can finally live that nuthouse (not pun intended if I was going to the other school, heh). Once again it seems like everyone and their dead grandmother is against me -_-. I should get more say in what I want to do. Especially when I was the first one to request it. Like the whole damn therapy thing. I went there out of curiousity. Now I'm practically being forced. Isn't there some type of law saying I can't go see a doctor if I don't consent it? And now people aren't letting me go to home school due to "lack of social skills". Bull crap I say. Not my fault everyone IRL treats me like shit in some way.

I'm just sick of it all. Sick of undependant people. Sick of being accused of lying. Sick of not being trusted. Sick of having to wait till break(if I was to even do home school). Sick of being the youngest. Sick of my mom. Sick of my other relatives. Sick of being always assumed to have low social skills. Sick of being critized in every single way. Sick of everyone at school. Sick of not finding somebody I can even trust. Sick of disappointment. Sick of being blamed. Sick of therapy. Sick of everything.

Oh yeah.. In other news I finally gots my stuff. The FMA scroll and the awesome chibi-fied Saiyuki poster XP. There goes all my spending money.. sigh.
grifstar: (Sheynne)
I would now like to take the time to yet again explain more of my philosophy of life..

I find anti-depression things to the a big joke. Being "depressed" is one thing, but I believe it's mental, NOT chemical. I have reasons to be upset. And expressing that depression is important to get your word out. Emotions shouldn't be controlled by some stupid little medicine. That and I don't think they even can. Emotions are there to express feelings, they are instinct. Without them then you would destory a lot of your instincts, in the sense, how to react to something.

The reason I'm talking about this was because I was forced to take a pill. And I still refuse to and always will

Also I want to quit theraphy entirely, because it's not helping any at all and isn't even going anywhere. In fact seems to be making me worse. At this point I don't care that I'm "depress", because I have reasons for it. And if it'll help reveal how I really feel, then so be it.
grifstar: (Heimdall)
Had another outbrust today.. was quite a biggy too... Then again, there was lots of stuff pissing me off at school anyways, so it all added up. But I'm feeling better and got somewhat over it..

Feeling kinda risky today.. gonna try some stuff that just bonked me on the head. Partially ideas from last night and some more today.. I have no idea how it's all gonna turn out though. So I'll explain what I mean later, it all goes well or not.

Ah, ep 3 will be arriving shortly >_>. I'm actually a little too much into this whole dubbing thing, it's scaring me.. But curiousity can do weird things to ya.. and having sisters 5 years older than you wanting you to tape it plays a part in it too ^_^*


Nov. 16th, 2004 05:54 am
grifstar: (Heimdall)
I felt like taking up this time (before I am forced to go to school..) to explain why I been feeling down lately. Most of it though has to do with previous events.

First of all, I'm getting really sick being blamed for every single fault that seems to happen. It seems like whenever something goes screwy for no reason, it's obivously my fault it happen. It's like I'm some sort of magnet for everyone's problems.

The other thing that has been bothering me is asking "for help". On the whole, I can deal through things rather well. But of course every now and then there does come a time when I do "want something". But why is it that whenever I do resort to that method I'm always thought of as begging, or even worse, spoiled?

I had another mood swing 2 days ago. I just hate it though, that everything I do is always takened in a negative way. And then people wonder why I'm always quiet and withdrawn. Well, what's the point if all I do is cause grief to everyone? If I ever really wanted to "hurt" somebody, I would have done so by now.

But I still find it strange my mom does that whole "you can tell me anything" speech, yet whenever I do tell something she jumps down my throat about it. It's literally a no brainer why I don't tell her how I feel or what I want. Because then she'll just turn against me and make me sound like some selfish greedy pig. Then I feel very guility about getting my way..

But maybe I am just a failure that can't do anything right.. That's why everyone hates me.. That's why everything I do is terrible.. That's why I'm never satisfied with myself.. That's why I beg.. That's why I'm better off not existing.. -_-
grifstar: (Envy)
"I'm leaving to a party soon, but I had a big entry I wanted to write, so I'll edit this later, since I'm not sure when I'll be back and this might be my only time for it..."

EDIT: I is back, hurrah ^_^

Once again I envy those who are older. And I guess if you want to put it in blunt words, lonely that I can't find somebody my age that I can even relate to(IRL anyway). Instead I have to be with my brother's/sister's groups since they have more common sense since they actually act their age. Which makes me act like a leech, can't make my own "friendship", so I have to somewhat steal others.

I just hate it how in those situations I'm just the newbie that doesn't know anything. That I have to PROVE I know what I'm doing. And then I either turn it to an obession, or just look plain stupid and attention deprived. Like the damn fantasy club for example. I probably have more knowledge on anime and gaming than half of those people there. Well, maybe not stuff like first-shooters and D&D, but a good amount I know, or at least heard and know some about. I really hate big crowds though. I was hoping I could find some people I could relate so, atleast some.. However instead it's more like trying to my life story and interests to everyone that you won't see probably again.. Heck, my whole freakin' school year has been like that so far, it's pissing me off.

I keep wishing for that damn club to get smaller. Afterschool days are awesome though, I hope that there will be more, otherwise I can kiss bringing anime to school goodbye. I don't want a bunch of rabid monkeys to wreck my cds. I put lots of time into finding my anime, and I'll have to personally destory anyone that messes them up. So, yeah.. Gonna see if I can make afterschool marathon days. That way people who REALLY want to watch them can.. My first pick probably is gonna be FMA, my democray of having people decide what to do first is getting nowhere, so time to bring in monarchy, huzrah.

Now then.. in not so rantish moods, I got more eventful items on Gaia than I imagined to have in a lifetime o.o. Damn zombie/human thing was becoming a pain in the ass though, but I got all that I want in the last second possible, except a labcoat... Oh well..
grifstar: (Ash)
I hate it when my mom mutates my ideas.. she did it again -_-. Had this awesome idea to make a coke tree (X-Mas tree with Coca Cola themed objects) but she got me a green tree when I prefectly mentioned that a white one would be better. So the whole day we been fighting over that. However now Julie has takened my side, so we outnumbered her, yey for people on my side ^_^ (which sadly, only happens once every 2863 years).

Saw a little bit of Read or Die last night. Quite an insane show. I wish I could do weird things to paper too XP.. Such awesomeness that would be, lmao.

For some reason I felt the loneist that I have ever been... Not really sure why now. Not like today was much different than others. I've been alone almost all my life, gotten practically immuned to it. I guess I blame all the things that I been feeling lately (lately = the last 2 months). My heart and mind have been in major conflict these last few months. Over what I shoud do, say, etc. One side wants me to protest and conplain until things get resolved, the other wants to stay low and ignore all that has happened. To the point where I really don't know myself anymore. One minute I could be 'adverage' self, the next I could be pissed off at something for no reason, then I feel so hurt that I want to kill myself. And then the cycle repeats itself.


Oct. 17th, 2004 09:00 pm
grifstar: (Default)
Stupid mom making me feel gulity again.. and she wonders why I hate her.. Or why I question if she even likes me. Well, if she keeps making me feel like the badguy that should be blamed for everthing then of course.

I've developed a bad habit to lie to her, about how I feel. Which is the source of most problems I have now. Part of the reason was because it seemed like everything that I said, to her sounded stupid. And now after trying to describe myself to her(from earlier months ago too), that situtation seems to pop up. That everything I want in life, my goals, my wishes, all pointless and just pipedreams, impossible to achieve no matter what. That I won't be something special and just be a nobody. I thought parents are suppose to suport their child no matter what? Instead of scattering their hopes. Dammit, at time like this I wish I was an orphan.. I'd rather have no family than one that hates what I really feel. I'm now getting teary again too, stupid emotions..

I just cause trouble to everyone, let's face it. I shouldn't exist, everything would be better then -_-
grifstar: (Ash)
Ugh.... depression... rising...

I sometimes ask myself, do I even matter? Do people actually like me? Sadly, I find myself only able to truly trust 2 people now, neither are family related.

It sickens me though, that I try to be as happy and polite as I possibly can. And what do I get in return? Nothing, zilch, nadda. Instead I'm takened advantage over or given the same respect as floor scum. And for what reason? Because I was actually generous to others now I have every right to have to become the buttom of the food chain for everyone? Even my own mom seems to treat me like that, I think ever since my dad left (which was about 10 years mind you) was when I remember it starting. Stuff like "Stay on track at school", "Keep your room clean", usual parent coments. Yet I can't recall a time when I actually felt needed, "loved" to be more exact. Sure, I was given things, takened to places, and given the simple "I love you" message time to time. But in the end nothing felt like I was truly wanted, rather used as simple things to keep me happy and/or entertained. That really I am just a thing in the way that everyone doesn't want to deal with. Hence why my mom now bothers me 24/7 on why I don't have a permit yet and forces me to stay on top of schoolwork. Just so that she has a sooner time to kick me out of the door and never have to see me again.

All I really want now is somebody to actually understand me. Somebody that will actually treat me like an actual person and not as some type of tool that has no feelings whatsoever. Being alone isn't my problem. It's the people that want to be my friend or try to cheer me up. And for same reasons, all they care really is that "Oh look, that person is so nice and smart, let's try to befriend them so that we can abuse that person in ten different ways".... And people wonder why I don't trust anyone...

I wonder if it'll ever feel again what it is like to be happy. I now just feel like everything I do it just stupid in some way. Maybe I really should just kill myself. Would serve all those people that appearently didn't want me right, now that they don't have somebody to push around. My mom would be happier because I won't be around. There won't be anyone better than me in every single way. And best of all, I won't have to feel emotions anymore.
grifstar: (Ash)
Damn those moods when you want to do something be nothing interest you -_-.

Once again I'm getting the feeling of ignorance. Seriously, what is it that I've done that makes people assume to "hate me?". Is it the way I act? Is because I look differently? What? .... And yet people ask me why I'm jealous.. Maybe I don't deserve to live if people are gonna always treat me like this -_-. It almost saddens me to think I'm borderline to possible thoughts of suicide.... Yes, I'm that serious. I don't really care what people think about it anymore. If people don't like me, fine, maybe I should have never existed then

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