The odds are stacking up..

I just can't take this anymore. I try to take a few steps forward but everyone just piles up on me and drags me back to where I started. Everything I do is just pointless.. Pointless, pointless, pointless.. But now I'm at the point where I can't really go back. I'm tred of taking orders from other people. And having to rely on some stupid laws.

Why do I bother living when appearently my wishes aren't wanted? Even when they are right out there and very hard to miss... When appearently I cannot be trusted with them.

Yanno, maybe I should just kill myself.. If I'm just a big fat failure and waste money... If that's how people see me then so be it. Everyone would be so much happier then. And lucky me I would be dead to not feel any of that pain at all. Just empty blackness. Better than dispair..

Pardon my last entry...

I apologize for my last remark.. But as scary as it may sound I'm getting closer and closer to that.. I don't really WANT to do it... And hopefully it won't happen. Nothing else, I'm just bluffing..


Not to sound like some big sap.. but I'm afraid of many things that have been happening lately. In fact, for over the last few years. Every year I keep hearing that we are slowly getting more poorer, probably almost lost it all even a few times. But, what happens after that? Where are we to go? And yet, what have I done that is anything even helpful? Absolutely nothing. Just sat around and took advantage of it all without realizing the truth about it. I'm just sick of myself now for not doing anything sooner. I now feel horrible having to ask anything from someone, big or small. Because I already got my fair share of living the good life of having others give me what I want. So now I want to work for my stuff.

However, at the same time. How can I work at something when nobody is willing to support me? Emotionally anyway, just so at least I can get started and I'll take care of the rest. Take my mom for example. I can't even tell her a decent thing without having her jump down my throat. Oh yes, that's really gonna make me feel good and confident in myself. But that's how I kinda always been like with her. In fact, my shyness, isolation, and "anti-socialness" probably all relates to her in some way. Since whenever I present something to her she just shatters it. I'm afraid of her too. Because I don't know what she'll do to me if I was to explain what I actually feel on some levels, or some of my dreams. Probably throw it out the window like everything else. Then I would just live an empty life with no motivation at all. Not like she already took away most of my pride.

It's that whole mountain thing again. I start climbing, then somebody tells me I'm on the wrong mountain and to take a different one. And then I decide to take that mountain later since I found a shortcut on a different one that would get me to the same height. Yet no one can see that shortcut but me. And now I got to fight for it... Which ain't the easiest thing to do when the whole world thinks that I won't make it. And yet ironically everyone keeps telling I can anything I set my mind to.. Well.... Then why is everyone criticizing me for being so determined on this O.o?