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grifstarSo yeah... I'm pretty sure I just royally pissed a certain someone off. A very awesome, cool, and special someone. I sort of wish there was some way to get ahold of them, but then again I'd probably be too afraid to really say anything. And if I did it'd probably only sound like some pathetic "don't hate me because I'm just a victim" speech.
... It's the truth where ever I go, actually. I find someone, I think they're cool, I try hanging out with them a couple times and start liking them even more; and then it either splits into 1) "O-oh, I see... you're sort of like this to everyone then... *scoots off to the side and starts feeling less special* ._.", and/or 2) There's always that other Bestest Best Friend they got that they got and probably enjoy being around more than me, because afterall they spent so much more time together and I shouldn't come between Person A and Person B. And so I get(or feel) shun out eitherway. And when I "do" start feeling determined and refused to give up, I generally try way too hard and pretty much feel like a kicked puppy at the end and that person probably never wants to see again.
...... Is it REALLY that much of a crime, to get even the tinyest bit jealous over someone because you never once had a friend that was practically ALWAYS there for you, and yet they did? And to MAYBE get a tiny bit possessive becuase you want that SO BADLY even though you know it's completely a lost cause?
It doesn't matter where I go, even IRL friendships I've had. I'm never quite the "best" friend, but rather the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, "dumb follower"(aka: Why am I even here?). Whenever and if I get a mental breakdown I pretty much had nothing or no one to cry on. I've come to find the only thing I'm good for for everyone is just making them laugh, and even then I'm not good enough. And if I can't it's much a "Oh well, forget you"
So, I'm done mindlessly venting and emoing. If you need me I'll just be hiding in my little dark cave, population only me. You're all welcome to come but I doubt anyone will...
... It's the truth where ever I go, actually. I find someone, I think they're cool, I try hanging out with them a couple times and start liking them even more; and then it either splits into 1) "O-oh, I see... you're sort of like this to everyone then... *scoots off to the side and starts feeling less special* ._.", and/or 2) There's always that other Bestest Best Friend they got that they got and probably enjoy being around more than me, because afterall they spent so much more time together and I shouldn't come between Person A and Person B. And so I get(or feel) shun out eitherway. And when I "do" start feeling determined and refused to give up, I generally try way too hard and pretty much feel like a kicked puppy at the end and that person probably never wants to see again.
...... Is it REALLY that much of a crime, to get even the tinyest bit jealous over someone because you never once had a friend that was practically ALWAYS there for you, and yet they did? And to MAYBE get a tiny bit possessive becuase you want that SO BADLY even though you know it's completely a lost cause?
It doesn't matter where I go, even IRL friendships I've had. I'm never quite the "best" friend, but rather the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, "dumb follower"(aka: Why am I even here?). Whenever and if I get a mental breakdown I pretty much had nothing or no one to cry on. I've come to find the only thing I'm good for for everyone is just making them laugh, and even then I'm not good enough. And if I can't it's much a "Oh well, forget you"
So, I'm done mindlessly venting and emoing. If you need me I'll just be hiding in my little dark cave, population only me. You're all welcome to come but I doubt anyone will...
no subject
Date: 2008-06-05 09:15 pm (UTC)I know what you're talking about. I have a cousin who's constantly 'reinventing' herself to fit in with what's popular. Right now I believe she's the girl that gets killed in the first ten minutes of a slasher film phase. I could be wrong. She might be in the bootybutt phase....
It wasn't so much that I didn't fit in, it was more of not really caring about mantaining a friendship with people. The phone works both ways type of thing. Though, the first person I made 'friends' with down here decided to stop talking to me because she didn't like my voice. o.0 So I usually don't bother IRL or online unless someone asks to be friends.
All in all, just don't worry about it too much. That's who you are and that's who you'll always be. If people can't understand it then that's more of a personal blemish on their side, not your own. And that's the concept of having a journal as well. To vent so we release all that bad jujus (the black icky ones that tend to stick to the side of the box) and become a little stronger inside. Everyone does it so don't think too deeply on it okay?