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grifstarI hate to see what kind of damage my annual LJ subcription did.. >.>;
I really... Don't know what to do. I been playing the biggest hooky streak from school ever for like almost the last 2 weeks(only showed up once the whole time =D;; ). Kind of reminds me of when I refused to ever step foot into work ever again last spring.. It's something I don't LIKE doing. But really, what other choice do I have? This point I really think I dug myself in too deep to really just go back now. With finals starting in like another 10 days. PLUS the reason why I been acting like this anyway is because I'm not even going to be there again next semester, because I want to use my weekday time to A) GET MY FREAKIN' DRIVERS LICENSE, and B) Find a job that I would actually like doing and feel comfortable with.
I know I haven't really mentioned it before here, heck I didn't even tell my mom about it until just a week ago. But I CAN'T do retail. It's not that I don't WANT to, I just can't. Or at least in most of the areas it's considered in. I'm good about being friendly to strangers, no matter how much I might want to rip thier guts out. But the thing is I'm TOO friendly, and soft, and above all, laid back. I don't like causing problems, I don't like dealing with complaints. I'd rather let _____ have it thier way than making a big agruement over it. Which could be EXTREMELY bad if I was put into a postition like handling a cash register. Thankfully I was never placed under that sort of pressure. Knowing myself that well, I will be just a walking shop lift incident just waiting to happen. And I seriously doubt anyone wants to have to deal with that. Of all the corners I had to cut just to survive my last job I'm amazed they never just kicked me out. Being the bottom of the food chain with no one giving a shit about you was kind of proof enough that I didn't seem very welcomed there.
But mainly, all I really am is a coward, I always have been. Or at least when it comes to dealing with other people. If there's someone I can hide behind and do the talking or whatever for me, I'm just going to pretend like there's nothing wrong at all. Unless I'm somehow pinned too far against a wall that I just HAVE to. If I hate someone, I don't ever have the guts to tell it in thier face(all I do is vent about it someplace else). Which is why I pretty much choose to just randomly run away from my last job than actually do something about it. Plus, the main manager scared the FUCK out of me. It didn't matter if what she said was just a complement, it would still somehow translate into "I'm going to kill you now" just by the tone of her voice.
I don't really mind working though, but I know my work just shouldn't involve being with random people on a daily basis.That and the people I'm also with can't be retarded assholes that only care for themself. I really enjoy doing "behind the scenes" work anyway. Making stuff, organizing things, playing with computers. I find the whole idea to be quite fun, almost. Even more so if at the same time I feel like what I'm doing is something other people appreciate what I do. Be it someone I probably won't ever met again or otherwise. Where as before I felt like if I was to drop dead right there on the spot, no one is going to do anything about it. Not generally a feeling everyone wants to have to deal with on a day to day basis >.>.
I think right now the sort of job I'm looking for right now is somewhere in an office. Unless I can totally luck out and find something artistic/creativity related, or something at home. I even thought about doing something like help do inventory/restock for ______ place. But I think that would require something like going to work at like 11pm and maybe having to drive around at night, both things I really don't want to be doingespecially when I can't legally drive yet ANYWAY. I'm not very sure. And also I want to try to get into something that I LIKE doing too, or have some interest in. Which boils it down to something computers, game, art, Japan/anime, or anything else somewhat related to it.....
Eitherway, I already know for a fact I'm NOT going to get the kind of comfortable job that I want if I go to school.. And the same vice versa. Really, money is a much bigger issue for me, and really I don't know where I want to go in college anymore anyway. Personally I'm starting to think I'm way better off without it at this point. But then it still comes to: what should I do right now. When currently, I STILL can't drive a fucking car because something stupid always happens every time I try to tempt it (tried doing it like 4 times now, and haven't even TOUCHED the actual test yet). I'm broke, and sometimes you need money just to earn more of it. And of course there's my mom constantly making death threats of selling the house I'm currently living in if she feels like renting it out would be more profitable, and then I'm going to be forced LIVING with her again, on a fucking island in the middle of nowhere. (As you might tell, I'm NOT at a big fan of Hawaii >__>)..... And yet at the same time I don't just want to get myself into a position in schooling where it'll be impossible to go back, should I have to. (or suddenly want to again)
Really? I think I gotta blame all of my stress and depression on my entire family, and family friends. Asside from my brother and sister, who seem to be the only two people that sot of understand me most(I think I would be driven to mental insanity if I were to be seperated from both of them. And taken away from the internet too x_x). Especially in the last few months with the constant "why can't you take care of everything like a normal person would" additude everytime they decide to come over.
I'm just getting so fucking SICK of it, actually I been sick of it for god knows how many years now. They make everything look like our fault, lack of good grades(even though all three of use have more common sense than 95% of the idiots out there), "not taking care of" the house(the way we "should be" anyway), the fact that I don't have a job(which I think has been cleared up now), why I don't have my license (also pretty much explained, and that I HAVE told them countless times now).... And so suddenly we become labled into lazy good for nothings.
So... yeah.. geez, it's no wonder I enjoy hiding myself in my room where no one can find me, because everytime I crawl out of my hole I get attacked by ravaged animals... ._.;. Likewise, now I CAN'T draw, play video games, watch anime, or anything else "in public" so much anymore(depends on what sort of "public" it is), since I'm too used to getting bashed somehow for it. Because nothing quite boosts confinence like having all of your hopes, dreams, and other forms of staying happy(or just feeling accomplished) getting smashed by a fret train everytime you want to "share".. >.>.. Also why I'm always so modest to EVERYTHING I do. It's hard to look at a lot of things I do anymore as really being an accomplishment anymore..
*sigh*.. I think if I was to have more people who REALLY like what I do. The last few days I been SO HAPPY with all of the feedback I've gotten on the videos I made, even though I only did them just for fun.. It made me feel oh so... tingly inside T____T. And yet I can also hear all those god damn voices in the back of my mind (well, the non-muse area of my mind) already yelling at me for wasting my time on it. When I should have been doing something me productive like this "reseach essay" I have for English, if I even go back to that class again... ._.; AND IT'S EVEN A TOPIC IS REALLY REALLY LIKE AND I'M STILL TOO DEPRESSED TO EVEN GET STARTED WITH IT. AND THIS IS MY SECOND TIME TAKING THAT CLASS TOO!!!! (AND IT'S A HECK OF FUN AND EASY CLASS!!!!!!!!!! SO WHY AM I DOING THIS?!!?!)
And ironicly enough I spent more time justto type this also instead of it.. >.>; I MUST be pathetic
.............................................. *is all so mixed up now*........ .__.
I really... Don't know what to do. I been playing the biggest hooky streak from school ever for like almost the last 2 weeks(only showed up once the whole time =D;; ). Kind of reminds me of when I refused to ever step foot into work ever again last spring.. It's something I don't LIKE doing. But really, what other choice do I have? This point I really think I dug myself in too deep to really just go back now. With finals starting in like another 10 days. PLUS the reason why I been acting like this anyway is because I'm not even going to be there again next semester, because I want to use my weekday time to A) GET MY FREAKIN' DRIVERS LICENSE, and B) Find a job that I would actually like doing and feel comfortable with.
I know I haven't really mentioned it before here, heck I didn't even tell my mom about it until just a week ago. But I CAN'T do retail. It's not that I don't WANT to, I just can't. Or at least in most of the areas it's considered in. I'm good about being friendly to strangers, no matter how much I might want to rip thier guts out. But the thing is I'm TOO friendly, and soft, and above all, laid back. I don't like causing problems, I don't like dealing with complaints. I'd rather let _____ have it thier way than making a big agruement over it. Which could be EXTREMELY bad if I was put into a postition like handling a cash register. Thankfully I was never placed under that sort of pressure. Knowing myself that well, I will be just a walking shop lift incident just waiting to happen. And I seriously doubt anyone wants to have to deal with that. Of all the corners I had to cut just to survive my last job I'm amazed they never just kicked me out. Being the bottom of the food chain with no one giving a shit about you was kind of proof enough that I didn't seem very welcomed there.
But mainly, all I really am is a coward, I always have been. Or at least when it comes to dealing with other people. If there's someone I can hide behind and do the talking or whatever for me, I'm just going to pretend like there's nothing wrong at all. Unless I'm somehow pinned too far against a wall that I just HAVE to. If I hate someone, I don't ever have the guts to tell it in thier face(all I do is vent about it someplace else). Which is why I pretty much choose to just randomly run away from my last job than actually do something about it. Plus, the main manager scared the FUCK out of me. It didn't matter if what she said was just a complement, it would still somehow translate into "I'm going to kill you now" just by the tone of her voice.
I don't really mind working though, but I know my work just shouldn't involve being with random people on a daily basis.
I think right now the sort of job I'm looking for right now is somewhere in an office. Unless I can totally luck out and find something artistic/creativity related, or something at home. I even thought about doing something like help do inventory/restock for ______ place. But I think that would require something like going to work at like 11pm and maybe having to drive around at night, both things I really don't want to be doing
Eitherway, I already know for a fact I'm NOT going to get the kind of comfortable job that I want if I go to school.. And the same vice versa. Really, money is a much bigger issue for me, and really I don't know where I want to go in college anymore anyway. Personally I'm starting to think I'm way better off without it at this point. But then it still comes to: what should I do right now. When currently, I STILL can't drive a fucking car because something stupid always happens every time I try to tempt it (tried doing it like 4 times now, and haven't even TOUCHED the actual test yet). I'm broke, and sometimes you need money just to earn more of it. And of course there's my mom constantly making death threats of selling the house I'm currently living in if she feels like renting it out would be more profitable, and then I'm going to be forced LIVING with her again, on a fucking island in the middle of nowhere. (As you might tell, I'm NOT at a big fan of Hawaii >__>)..... And yet at the same time I don't just want to get myself into a position in schooling where it'll be impossible to go back, should I have to. (or suddenly want to again)
Really? I think I gotta blame all of my stress and depression on my entire family, and family friends. Asside from my brother and sister, who seem to be the only two people that sot of understand me most(I think I would be driven to mental insanity if I were to be seperated from both of them. And taken away from the internet too x_x). Especially in the last few months with the constant "why can't you take care of everything like a normal person would" additude everytime they decide to come over.
I'm just getting so fucking SICK of it, actually I been sick of it for god knows how many years now. They make everything look like our fault, lack of good grades(even though all three of use have more common sense than 95% of the idiots out there), "not taking care of" the house(the way we "should be" anyway), the fact that I don't have a job(which I think has been cleared up now), why I don't have my license (also pretty much explained, and that I HAVE told them countless times now).... And so suddenly we become labled into lazy good for nothings.
So... yeah.. geez, it's no wonder I enjoy hiding myself in my room where no one can find me, because everytime I crawl out of my hole I get attacked by ravaged animals... ._.;. Likewise, now I CAN'T draw, play video games, watch anime, or anything else "in public" so much anymore(depends on what sort of "public" it is), since I'm too used to getting bashed somehow for it. Because nothing quite boosts confinence like having all of your hopes, dreams, and other forms of staying happy(or just feeling accomplished) getting smashed by a fret train everytime you want to "share".. >.>.. Also why I'm always so modest to EVERYTHING I do. It's hard to look at a lot of things I do anymore as really being an accomplishment anymore..
*sigh*.. I think if I was to have more people who REALLY like what I do. The last few days I been SO HAPPY with all of the feedback I've gotten on the videos I made, even though I only did them just for fun.. It made me feel oh so... tingly inside T____T. And yet I can also hear all those god damn voices in the back of my mind (well, the non-muse area of my mind) already yelling at me for wasting my time on it. When I should have been doing something me productive like this "reseach essay" I have for English, if I even go back to that class again... ._.; AND IT'S EVEN A TOPIC IS REALLY REALLY LIKE AND I'M STILL TOO DEPRESSED TO EVEN GET STARTED WITH IT. AND THIS IS MY SECOND TIME TAKING THAT CLASS TOO!!!! (AND IT'S A HECK OF FUN AND EASY CLASS!!!!!!!!!! SO WHY AM I DOING THIS?!!?!)
And ironicly enough I spent more time justto type this also instead of it.. >.>; I MUST be pathetic
.............................................. *is all so mixed up now*........ .__.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-14 10:42 am (UTC)My biggest problem is the people who think that my being nice and polite means that I care. <.<;; And no, I am NOT interested in going on a date with you. YOU ARE MY MOM'S AGE! I don't care if say "I don't mean a date, I mean like hanging out." IT'S THE SAME THING TO ME! Go away, I don't want you number, I'm not giving you mine, I don't want you to compliment my long hair and then make some comment about how it'd feel during sex, I WANT YOU TO TAKE YOUR CHANGE AND GO AWAY! And stop asking me why i get filled with DO NOT WANT when you talk to me--you are not 3 and I don't owe you any explanations! No thankyou means No Thankyou.
Ew. I feel dirty just mentioneing that stuff. That's not all from just one person, that's a mix of pretty much everything.
Fear of something is usually worse than what going through it is. Plus you can look into jobs that deal with stocking stuff, cleaning, or even factory stuff. It just depends on how all out you want to go in finding work. And if you do try, make sure to call back the places you turn in applications for, because it shows you have incentive and WANT the job. I suggest a grocery store, or similar type of place.
Retail isn't as scary as the people working and ranting about it make it out to be--it's just that the bad stuff is the only stuff they rant about. I mean "Wow, I had a day where I did the same thing I do everyday! I took customers, I cleaned, I stocked, I was bored out of my mind, I had inane conversations with teh same people I see everyday, most of whome I only see for a few minutes a day and know nothing about except what cigarettes they smoke and that they prefer coffee over a slushie or vice versa. What an amazing day!" just doesn't make for an amazing read or story.
The driving thing? Sucks ass. I had a similar problem getting my license. Finally got it at age 22? Maybe even 23. I finally just took the booklet, read over the traffic rules and signs repeatedly, illegally practised without a permit with going only to and from work, and got my mom or friend come with me to get the permit (failed first time because I missed one too many--oops), and finally took the driving part and did just fine. (So glad my friend told me when it's best to start turning with parallel parking--my rear window aligned with the end of the vehicle I'm parking behind. For the test, there wasn't a second vehicle behind me, so it wasn't much of a parallel....) It took that long to get it because of age rules. Over 18 person had to have a 21 or older person with them when driving on a permit, while under 18 people only need over 18 people. My friends are all younger than me. And family all work when I'm home, and are home when I worked. Evil. Good luck in getting through that. Getting a car opens up the areas you can get to so much and makes life so much easier.
ZRA WROTE A NOVEL BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T HAVE THE 'SHUT UP' GENE!
Date: 2007-12-14 10:43 am (UTC)People have to do what they want for themselves, not out of obligation for others, because eventually that'll backfire. And then we get miserable when we realize we're going no where fast.
I'm sorry, I wish I could make you feel better or give some real good advice, but I can definitely sympathize. I suggest getting up and doing something about at least one of the things, even if it's something that your family would think you're crazy for doing. Sanity is not overrated. *hugs*